Let's not think we can earn the forgiveness, because if we're needing the forgiveness in the first place, I do not think we're capable of doing much good at all in the the eyes of The One who forgives.
Grace is freeing and not, all at the same time. Thank God I do not have to earn it, yet, when I'm recieving it, it almost doesn't feel "enough".
I want to do more, I want to show you my grief, my sorrow for my sins. I'll write you a note, I'll explain myself. I'll serve you, I'll give to you. Do you see me working for it? Working for your forgiveness? Is it...working?
It isn't working, it never will. But I feel useless just sitting here, trying and failing to live in the forgiveness I've been given. And why do I need it anyway? Because I suck (and I hate that word). I'm a dirty, rotten sinner, madly in love with Jesus Christ, yet unfit to be called His bride. And the desperate cry of my heart (and He knows this, because He searches it every moment of every day) is, "God, make me more like your Son!"
But it's still awkward, like your first date or tripping while wearing a dress. It's uncomfortable, waiting for it to "blow over". Maybe we'll forget about it, right? But I know we won't.
So in the meantime, what to do? Well, this I cannot answer, and I don't know that you can either. What I am here to tell you is that Jesus didn't really care about what I would do or say or do.
You know what He was concerned with? My heart. The beating thing in my chest that twists and contracts with each movement, physical and emotional. He used words to remind me that I am still very much so His beloved and loves me in spite of my selfishness.
God sees you.
He hears you.
He knows you.
He speaks to you.
He has thoughts about you.
He wants you.
He is making you more like Him.
These words were actually written to me by a friend not 24 hours after I had penned my desperate plea: "I want to be more like your Son."
He really is interested in calming your heart and your fears, lowering your anxiety levels and leaving you feeling as rested as you would be after sleeping for ten, uninterrupted hours. He's interested.
He's active. While we can only sit in the freedom and deal with the awkwardness that truly only lasts a short while anyway, He is concerning Himself with What can I do to make her believe Me when I say, "I love you,"?
I love you.
ok, I believe you.